SAVE THE WORLD, BURN THE OIL

The world isn't in complete economic chaos right now, but things don't seem great. Financial meltdowns are occurring worldwide. The United States and China are battling via trade sanctions. Riots across Europe are the icing on the cake of the EU's problems. But what's being done about these Big Problems?

CHAOS.

For over a year, protesters of the "Occupy" movement have done their best to shift society's perspective of Big Banks, Big Oil, Big Brother, Big everything, but for the most part, these heroes have been vilified and downplayed by the mainstream media. As the old adage goes, actions speak louder than words . . . and cardboard signs, chants and drum circles. Below is our four-point plan for helping overhaul the economy, the environment and our society as a whole. If enough people take part in our movement, real change will be possible. If .01% of the world stood up, we'd be 6 million strong. So, here's what to do, my 5,999,999 friends.

STEP 1: Quit Your Job.

The Man needs you working the ol' 9 to 5, stuck in a cubicle Monday through Friday, too tired by the weekend to care about anything other than not being in front of a computer. Your wage is worth less now than ever before (the dollar you earn today is worth less by the time you shower for work tomorrow). Your food, transportation and shelter cost more, and are bought with money that is less valuable than any time in history. The "real money" doesn't even get to you, anyway. It goes straight to the top, to your boss, the guy with million-dollar bonuses and half-year vacations. It's supposed to "trickle down" to you as he buys jet skis, private jets and dolphin steak.

Teddy Roosevelt's resignation letter. Craft yours just like it.

Break apart from the system. Free yourself from the chains of tyranny. Our society won't let you fail. We won't let you go hungry and homeless (as long as you're a woman or child and not a Vietnam veteran, then you're on your own). Stop making another man's dollar, and quit your stupid job.

STEP 2: Load Up on Loans and Credit

By Cspurrier + David Vignoni , via Wikimedia Commons

Surely you've had plenty of opportunities to extend your credit limit. We've been offered risk-free $10,000 loans multiple times. Plus, there's this thing called a bank. You stock up on card offers and persuade a banker to give you some money, and you could very well grab yourself $40,000 in cash (debt).

With the financial crisis in full swing, there are a few things to keep in mind. 1. Bill collectors have bigger fish to fry. A few grand is nothing compared with $16 trillion. 2. The government forgives loan defaulters. Why not get imaginary money, spend it, say you're not paying, and get bailed out by Uncle Sam?

Borrow as much credit and money as you can. Not only will your loan and credit help destabilize the economy, it will also help you in the next step!

STEP 3: Buy All the Oil

Use your new-found fortune to do something good for the environment. Lobbyists and regulators have kept natural gas, hydro, nuclear, wind, and solar energy at bay for years (plus there's the martyred hemp industry). Only recently have these alternative resources gained on Big Oil, and who knows what other resources and technologies have been charred off the map. If they don't want to find a new energy source, then let's get rid of the one they have. Maybe when we own all the oil, they'll start working on some truly clean energy (as if they don't already have it). Get out there, and buy that oil, soldier!

Such an eyesore. Photo by “John Womack (littlejohn)”. 

STEP 4: Watch it Burn

Now that you have your gas, oil, plastics, and other oil bi-products, it's time for the home run. First, a word of caution: be sure to wear protective clothing, gloves and respirators as these products are known to cause cancer and birth defects.

You can horde your oil and use it against Big Oil later if you want, but when the rest runs out be prepared for gun-wielding hillbillies to come after ya. Our suggestion? Burn it all, so it's gone forever. The choice is yours, but it's obvious we have to act now to save the planet. Without oil, we can finally focus on cleaner, more reliable, sustainable energies. It's obvious money doesn't matter to these ancient corporations. They just crave the power. Give them your money, but take the power. It's the best deal you'll find on the market today.

Imagine all the oil these protesters could buy if they all had loans! Photo by Infrogmation of New Orleans.

It's a wild world we live in, and it's getting scarier by the day. Follow our plan, and you can do more than an entire street-full of protesters. Quit your job. Borrow money. Buy their oil. Watch it burn.

More Fury! What if everything you thought you knew about oil was a lie? We're going to go in-depth into the true oil lie, but until then, here's some information, and it's free.

A "GREAT VALUE" . . . FOR WHOM?

Every bite you take of those halfway tasty, stale-even-though-it's-before-the-use-by-date Great Value graham crackers, an angel dies. Every piece of fabric attempted to be softened by the Walmart brand softener, an angel. And those uncomfortable steps in shoes that don't seem to conform to human feet? Yeah, another angel.

But we're sure you knew that.

The Wrath of Walmart.

Walmart has been profiled and exposed in news programs, documentaries, in court, and on websites devoted entirely to the subject of why Walmart is bad (we recommend WalMart Is Pure Evil for a good bedside read). Walmart is the largest seller on earth, with more employees than any army besides the Chinese. They make more money than most countries. (Click for some stats.) They've used child labor, forced food growers into bankruptcy, taken life insurance policies out on their own employees, disallowed the formation of unions (to the point of closing stores rather than let workers unite), lied about the origin of their products, refused to issue recalls, and plenty more. Read through the entire Wikipedia page dedicated to Walmart criticisms if you wish.

We just felt like reminding everyone that while Great Value seems like a, well, great value, it's not. It's owned and controlled by Walmart, and to keep it a "great value", they resort to unethical practices. They import most of their products from China and use their stance as the World's Greatest Seller to force companies to sell things for less, often at a loss for the maker. They use the fruits and vegetables from the bottom of the pile to keep their food cheap. They do whatever it takes to keep the price down so the value seems great.

Cheap, but how long will they last? By Derek Bridges from New Orleans, USA.

It may be cheap, but it's bad for the world economy. It's bad for small businesses. It's bad for food growers and product manufacturers. It's bad for your health. It's bad for everyone except the huge money makers at the top of the Walmart pyramid.

On the bright side, people seem to be waking up. Walmart redesigned their entire Great Value brand in 2009, and while it looks cleaner and nicer, sales went down. People stopped biting. It may seem like a deal saving 22 cents on a can of beans, but who is paying for that 22 cents? That savings comes from somewhere. And isn't it worth it to spend your money on food that tastes how it should, pants that fit well, and products that do their job?

Walmart is making a mockery of the word "value" and we want to remind people of that. Forget about saving a few bucks on groceries and adding value to your checkbook. Add value to the world by voting with your dollar. Vote for a better future.